Resurrection Sunday

Simon woke with a start. He was drenched with sweat. He had been dreaming. In his dream, his three accusers at the coal fire had caused the Roman soldiers to arrest him and he was led off to be executed with Jesus. It had been so real…he could still smell the pungent aroma of the burning coal.

But what was that sound? There was someone at the door. But it was a soft, yet insistent pounding…surely if these were soldiers, they would not knock? They were all staring at the door now. Simon moved along the wall until he could hear a voice…an urgent whisper…he leaned forward and put his ear to the crack between the door and the wall. 

“Please. Open the door.” It was Mary of Magdala. Still, it could be a trap. Maybe she had been captured and was now being forced to betray the disciples. 

Fear was their constant companion now and the seed of mistrust had been sown by Judas and watered by their own behaviour the night of the arrest.  They had all said they would never desert him and yet when it mattered most, they all failed. “The heart is a fickle thing,” Simon thought. “Who really knows what is going on inside any human being?” 

“Please! You must open! They have taken his body away!”

With that, Simon unlatched the door and threw it open. “What?”

The women poured into the room all babbling at once, like a gaggle of overly excited geese. They were clearly distressed…their present agitation was not consistent with their usually calm conduct. They had been with the group from the earliest days…they had sat at the feet of Jesus just like the male disciples…no other rabbi allowed women into their groups, even going so far as to say that it would be better for the Law to be burned than to be entrusted to a woman! But Jesus was not like any other rabbi, even encouraging the women to accompany them on their many trips. Over time the men had come to see them as equals…they knew the Scriptures as well as they did and could debate with the best of them. In many ways, they were co-workers even though society would not allow them to openly engage anyone on a religious level.[1]

The women had left early that morning, even before sunrise to go to the tomb of Jesus. The onset of the Sabbath the day before had prevented them from completing the customary burial rituals. As they were walking, they were wondering who would help them move the huge, sealed stone aside so they could gain entrance to the tomb. They were still speaking when a sudden tremor caused the earth beneath their feet to shake. 

“That must have been when the soldiers were shaking me in my dream,” Simon thought. “How strange. This is the second earthquake since…since…” He left that thought hanging in the air and turned to listen to the women’s account once more.

When they arrived at the tomb, they saw the stone had already been rolled aside and the soldiers were nowhere to be seen. Then their stories became wildly fanciful. They told the men that angels had appeared to them telling them that Jesus was not dead but had been raised. One of the angels told them Jesus would go ahead of the group to Galilee.

“That’s what he told us while he was with us,” Matthew said. “Remember? He told us we would fall away…”

“Yes,” James chimed in. “Yes, and then he added that when he had been raised, he would go ahead of us to Galilee. I remember. But I must confess I still don’t understand. He is dead…are we to follow a spirit? Besides, where is his body?”

“This is all nonsense,” Thomas said, indignant that the eleven would even entertain such tall tales. “They are hysterical…fear has made them see things.”

Without a word, John bolted out the door. 

“Simon!” Mary said. “Go with him! It may not be safe!”

He ran after John but could not keep up. John was much younger than he was, and he arrived at the tomb first, stopping at the entrance, frightened to go any further. Only after Simon had entered did he collect himself and follow. They stood, catching their breath, staring at the empty shelf…all that remained was the linen graveclothes…the cloth that had covered his head was neatly folded and had been placed to one side. 

“Why would anyone steal a body but leave behind the expensive linen?” Simon thought to himself. “That just does not make any sense. And where are those Roman guards?”

John was breathing heavily now…not because he had been running, but because he was remembering everything Jesus had told them about him rising from the dead. Why was it so hard for them to comprehend? It was too much to process. He turned to leave. He would think about it later.

Both men left…confused and despondent. How would they explain this to the others? As they went, they passed Mary of Magdala. She had returned. They did not even ask why. 

A while after they had been back in their hiding space, Mary returned…eyes glowing, her face beaming. “I have seen the Lord!” she simply stated. She proceeded to tell them what had happened.

After Simon and John had left, she had walked up to the entrance and stood by the stone. It was as if her mind simply could not fathom what was happening. She had come that morning to show one more act of kindness to the man who had freed her from seven demons and had treated her as an equal. But not only her, also the other women who followed him and provided for the needs of the group out of their own resources. 

She explained that together with his mother, several other women, and John, the only male disciple present at the cross, she had watched him breathe out his last breath. It was excruciatingly painful to watch…with every cry she felt that her heart was being ripped out of her bosom. When he spoke his last words, “It is finished,” she felt it really was…it was all over…his life and hers.

What more could she do? In their society women were to be seen and not heard…to bear children and serve in the kitchen…but nothing more. They were not even permitted to travel without their husband’s express permission. Many women were trapped in loveless marriages, but they endured the constant emotional abuse and humiliation because the alternative was far worse. To be cast out by one’s husband was considered a shameful thing, and divorced women were often shunned by even their family members…many died in poverty.

But one thing she could do was anoint his body one more time. That much she could do. But it seemed that even this had been denied her. As this realisation struck home, she was suddenly overcome with grief. Sorrow welled up inside her like a gigantic wave and spilled out of her eyes. 

“Woman.” She heard the voice from within the tomb and stooped down to see who was speaking with her. 

“Dear woman, why are you weeping?” Two white-robed angels sat at either end of the shelf. 

“Because they have stolen the body of my lord and I have no idea where they have taken him,” she replied without thinking that it was strange to be having a conversation with an angelic being.

She turned to leave and through her tears saw another person standing close-by. She told the disciples that she supposed him to be the keeper of the garden, so she asked him to tell her where he had put the body of Jesus if he had taken it away.

And then she heard him speak her name. “Mary.” 

He did not need to say anything else. She held on to him as if she would never let him go. She did not ask any questions…she did not need to…what she had wanted she had found, and more! She went seeking to anoint a dead body. But he was not dead. He was very much alive.

Finally, he convinced her to let him go. He then told her to go and tell the disciples that he was alive and would be returning soon to the Father.  

The disciples stared at her. They did not doubt her…they knew she was telling the truth. Her story matched what he had been telling them all along. But they wondered why Jesus had chosen a woman to be the herald of his resurrection, Simon and John had both been there. Why not show himself to them? Why Mary? 

“It is fitting that the undoing of the curse be announced by a woman,” Philip said. 

They all looked at him blankly.

“The curse came through the words of Eve, no? Adam believed his wife and took of the fruit, yes? Well, here Mary brings us the words of life. She is a sign that the curse has been broken.”[2]

Had Jesus not included women from the beginning of his ministry, this might have been a struggle for the disciples. But Jesus had never done anything according to their expectations…his anticipated kingdom was radically different to anything they had ever heard of before. Unlike the rabbis and religious leaders, Jesus had always treated women with profound respect and as equals. In many ways, to them it seemed that the kingdom Jesus spoke of was a return to the original state of creation where both men and women were created in the image of God and both were to serve together as his vice-regents over his world. 

Mary, as the one sent to the sent ones, was the sign of the beginning of that return…

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That evening, all the disciples gathered together to discuss the monumental events witnessed by the women, especially Mary. By this time, Jesus had appeared to Simon as well, but try as they might, they could not get much information out of him. 

Two other disciples had been on their way to Emmaus when Jesus appeared to them as well…at first, he was disguised as a stranger, who chastised them for their lack of understanding. But then he began to open up the Scriptures to them as they walked along the way. They persuaded him to stay the night and as they began to eat together, he revealed himself to them as he broke the bread. He then suddenly disappeared. They had immediately returned to tell the others. 

There they were, all gathered together, meeting behind locked doors because they still feared a backlash from the Jewish leaders. They were deeply engaged in discussion when suddenly Jesus stood before them. The shock rendered them speechless.

“Peace be with you,” Jesus said simply.

No one moved. Simon slowly backed up into the shadows. He was still struggling with feelings of shame and guilt.

Jesus stepped forward into the dim light and showed them his pierced wrists and feet. His wounds were still clearly visible…this was no imposter.

Again, he said, “Peace be with you.” And then, like God breathed over Adam, Jesus breathed over them. “Receive the Holy Spirit.” 

“He is showing us who he is,” Simon thought. “He is God. This act is surely nothing less than an act of recreation. This is the age that was to come, spoken of by all the prophets.”

“If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven. If you do not forgive them, their sins remain.” Jesus looked over to where Simon was sitting, his eyes piercing the darkness. 

“Forgiveness.” Simon thought to himself. “A wonderful thing to receive to be sure, but it cannot reverse what has been done. I have denied him three times. I have cut myself off from being a disciple. I have revealed what is in my heart…what I knew all along…that I am a sinful man and not disciple material. I should never have left my boat.”

After having eaten with them, Jesus opened their minds to understand what the Scriptures said about him. It was a night of study they never forgot. From Moses through the prophets and the writings, Jesus showed them where what had transpired the past few days had been predicted. 

“It was also written,” Jesus continued, “that this message of salvation through my death and resurrection will be proclaimed to all nations…beginning here in Jerusalem. There is forgiveness of sins for all who repent and believe in me. You are eyewitnesses of all this. So, you must tell the world. But as I promised, I will send the Holy Spirit who will guide you and strengthen you to be my sent ones.”

Simon stayed in the shadows. This was not for him, he thought. He was no longer a sent one. He would quietly return to his old vocation.

Jesus then left the same way he had come…one moment there, the next gone. Simon simply went to bed. 

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“I don’t believe you,” Thomas said. “You are all deluded by your own wishful thinking. Unless I see the nail prints myself, put my fingers in them, and put my hand into the spear wound in his side, I will not believe.” Thomas had been prevented from being with them when Jesus appeared to them and no amount of persuasive speech could sway him. “He is dead! It is over! He is never coming back! Our misguided messianic dream has faded away. We will simply have to get used to the fact that Messiah is yet to come.”

Eight days later they were all gathered together in the same place once more when suddenly Jesus stood in their midst. Just as before, the doors had been locked, but the new resurrected body of Jesus was different from what it had been…they could touch him and feel him, he could eat and drink, and yet he could appear and disappear at will. 

“Peace be with you,” Jesus said. Then he turned to Thomas.

Simon thought the doubting disciple was about to faint from fright. He pitied him. He knew what it felt like to be so very wrong.

“Put your finger here, Thomas,” Jesus said. “Look at my hands. Put your hand in my side.”

But Thomas did not move.

“Faith, dear Thomas. Faith, that is what it takes. So, believe.”

Thomas folded before him like a wet rag…he fell on his knees and wept. Through his sobs he exclaimed, “My Lord! My Lord and my God!”

They had all come to believe that Jesus was God by that time…there was no other feasible explanation. 

“Thomas.” Jesus looked at his disciple with such tenderness. “Thomas, you believe because you have seen? Those who believe without seeing are truly blessed.”

Then he turned to the disciples and said: “Meet me in Galilee,” And with that He was gone.

“Galilee.” Simon thought. “Yes, it is time to go home…”

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[1] Conjecture on my part, but based on the fact that Simon Peter took his wife with him on his trips and Paul had many women he called “co-workers”.

[2] Again, this is speculation on my part, but the fact that the Gospel writers did not hesitate to tell the story as it happened, that a woman was the first witness to the resurrection, indicates that they believed that Jesus’ choice was significant. There are also many parallels between Eve and Mary Magdalene such as both events take place in a garden, in both cases God speaks, and angels are present…but the one is the herald of death whereas the other is the herald of life. This is not an original thought on my part. A few Pre and Post Nicene Fathers noted this, Augustine being one of them.

Good Friday

Simon had hoped that the sun would not rise the following morning, but it did. He couldn’t remember a time in his life when he had wept so deeply, not even the time when his beloved parents had died. The pain he felt in his core being was so intense it had caused him to vomit several times. His mouth was dry and foul tasting. The fear he had felt at the trial of Jesus had been replaced by a deep inner revulsion.

What kind of a man was he? Hadn’t Jesus said that the greatest love anyone could offer another was to give their life in their stead? But he had only sought to preserve his own life. Like the person in Jesus’ teaching, he had valued his present earthly life more and now…now he had lost it…everything he had longed for…everything he had hoped for. He had given it up in a moment of weakness. Like Esau he felt like he sold his birth right for a bowl of soup. 

What was he to do? He had denounced Jesus…he had emphatically stated three times that he was not his disciple. Then what was he now? He felt he did not know himself anymore…the person he thought he was had vanished. He was like an empty cloud that looked so promising, but in the end did not deliver anything. How would he ever face the others? How would he face his brother? How would his face his wife? Would not every one of the vows he had ever made be called into question now? He had broken his word…broken his promise. 

Would that the crowd had ripped him apart last night…then he would not have to live with his failure…with his shame…with his lowness…cowardice. The scene before the coal fire was indelibly burned in his memory. Was forgiveness even possible for one who had denied his friend…his master…his lord?

From his hiding place he could see most of the city and the surrounding area. Because of the stone walls, the sounds of Jerusalem were unavoidable. He heard every voice…every awful word of the blood thirsty crowd and those who egged them on…the chief priests and the other leaders. But who was he to judge them? They did what was natural for them…he had done what was unnatural. Was he then not worse than they?

He could hear them drag Jesus off to the governor, that awful man Pontius Pilate who had proved himself to be vicious and cruel. It was so early in the morning…Pilate was no doubt already in a foul mood. Simon heard the leaders accusing Jesus before him…that he had claimed to be the Messiah…a king. Pilate then asked Jesus directly if he was the king of the Jews. Jesus did not deny it.

“Even now, Jesus?” Simon wondered. “Even now when you face certain death you maintain that you are our king? The dogs have tasted blood, Jesus…they will not let you go now until they tear the flesh off your body.”

It seemed Pilate did not wish to deal with the matter. He pronounced Jesus to be without fault. This simply caused the leaders to become more insistent. They claimed Jesus was instigating riots wherever he went, from Galilee to Jerusalem. When Pilate heard that Jesus was a Galilean he had him taken to Herod Antipas who happened to be in Jerusalem for the feast.  

Simon could barely see the crowd hustling Jesus along to Herod’s palace and once they were inside, he heard nothing…nothing but raucous laughter emanating from the palace every now and again. What was the fox doing? He must be mocking him.  The Herods never did deal kindly with anyone who claimed to be king of the Jews. But then Simon heard them dragging Jesus through the narrow streets back to Pilate.

Pilate once again attempted to dismiss the charges against Jesus claiming that neither he nor Herod found any wrongdoing in him. He sentenced him to be flogged and then released.

At this the crowd erupted with a diabolical howl.

“What?” Simon couldn’t believe his ears. “They are demanding the release of that insurrectionist…that murderer! Barabbas. Surely Pilate will not allow that? Even he seemed to be at a loss as to why they wanted to kill Jesus.”

But the leaders pressed hard, even accusing Pilate of political unfaithfulness…that if he released Jesus, he would be disloyal to Caesar. Pilate tried to appeal to the crowd, but then Simon heard them cry out something so shocking that he doubted his ears. “We have no king but Caesar! Crucify him!” 

Pilate then appealed to them using a visible sign…the sign of washing blood guilt from his hands. Perhaps he hoped they would understand their own law…that Jesus’ blood would be required from their hands.

But the crowd yelled back, “His blood be upon us and our children forever!” 

“He has no choice now. Pilate is like me,” Simon thought. “He will do whatever he needs to do to save his own life.”

And he was right. Pilate turned Jesus over to them to do whatever they wanted.

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A cry of horror escaped from Simon’s lips when he saw Jesus stumbling under the weight of the heavy cross beam. He hardly looked human. They had flogged him mercilessly with a roman whip that had ripped off his skin. There was a plaited crown of thorns on his head and raw patches on his face where his beard had once been. They had abused him almost beyond recognition! Simon was heaving, dry retching, as there was no more food left in his stomach. He wept until he felt he could no longer breathe. Oh, the horror…the horror of it all. He had never thought it could possibly end like this.

Then he saw Judas in the crowd…wild, screaming and pulling at his hair. Judas…the one who had put this all in motion. But Simon could not bring himself to hate him. His greed had proved to be as powerful as Simon’s fear. They had both in their respective ways betrayed Jesus. Judas fought against the crowd…he moved in the direction of the Temple. He had to live with his irreversible error…Simon almost pitied him.

In spite of the agony that he must have been experiencing, Jesus still stopped to address the women…the very ones who always suffered for the prideful actions of their menfolk. The days were coming, Jesus told them, when the decisions of their leaders would bring unimaginable suffering on them all.

They took Jesus and two other men outside the city walls to a hill nearby. The soldiers had made another man carry the beam when it became evident that Jesus was no longer physically able to carry it himself. Simon watched them as they stripped Jesus of his clothing. His body was so bloodied he resembled a freshly slaughtered lamb. Lamb! Simon could hear the priests slaughtering the lambs…he heard their cries mingle with the cries of the one the Baptiser had called the Lamb of God who would take away the sins of the world. He now heard once again the words of Jesus spoken the night before…words he had so misunderstood at the time. “This is my blood, shed for you.” Blood shed…shed not by a sword…Jesus was giving his life to save theirs…greater love. Simon had no more tears to cry…he felt empty…dry. 

He could hear the nails being driven through Jesus’ wrists and feet…he heard the cross thud into place…he heard every word Jesus spoke, as if he was present. But he was not present, was he? No, he was hiding…hiding from the Romans and hiding from the other disciples…but he could not hide from himself. 

“Father,” he heard Jesus scream, “forgive them…they don’t know what they are doing!” Simon dared to look. The soldiers were gambling for his clothing. They had nailed the charge against him above his head: “This is Jesus, the King of the Jews”. The leaders paraded before the cross like triumphant hunters, yelling abuse at him. They objected to the charge wanting it to read that he said he was king rather than that he was king, but apparently someone had refused to change it. And so, they continued to mock him instead. Yet he prayed for their forgiveness. “How many times must I forgive,” Simon had once asked… “up to seven times?” Oh, how ashamed he felt. How proud and arrogant he had been! The forgiveness Jesus was praying for at that moment had no limits. 

Simon saw the Galilean women standing close to the cross. He could not imagine the pain Jesus’ mother was suffering. Was that John? Yes, it was John…he probably felt safe because he was known to the High Priest…but still Simon was ashamed that of all the men, John was the only one there. He heard Jesus entrust his mother to John…where were Jesus’ brothers? 

He could hear the awful shrieks of the other two men as well. As their lungs filled with water, they pulled themselves up, pushing up with their legs, to be able to breathe. One was hurling abuse at Jesus, screaming at him to save them. The other yelled back at him. Simon heard his voice clearly. “Do you not fear God? We are guilty…we deserve this sentence of death. But he has done no wrong!” Then the man turned to Jesus and said, between excruciating gasps “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

“What?” Simon thought. “What kingdom? They were all about to die!”

Then he heard Jesus’ words, “Assuredly, this very day, you will be with me in Paradise.” 

“Paradise? What did that mean?” Simon wondered. He had been taught about the collective place of the dead…a place Jesus also spoke about in the story of the beggar Lazarus and the rich man. The beggar rested in Abraham’s bosom while the rich man suffered in flames on the other side of a gulf. Was Abraham’s bosom paradise? What did that have to do with the kingdom?

Suddenly it began to get darker. As first the onlookers were silent…only the anguished cries of the crucified could be heard…but as the light from the sun continued to fade, people began to cry out in terror. Simon heard Jesus cry out in a loud voice: “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?”

Simon did not need Andrew to tell him that Jesus was quoting from the Psalms.[1] And he knew that when Jesus quoted the first line, he expected them to recall the whole of the psalm from memory…what was the theme of the psalm? Was it not deliverance? 

He heard some say Jesus had called for Elijah. Someone offered Jesus wine on a sponge when he complained of thirst. 

Jesus cried out again. “Father!” It was a dry, rasping shriek. “Into Your arms I entrust my spirit!” He thrust himself up to draw one last breath. As he sank back down, Simon heard him say clearly, “It is finished!” Then there was the awful sound of a death rattle. Simon bit into his fist and cried out silently.

But then he heard another sound coming from the Temple. The priests were shouting that the veil covering the Holy of Holies had been ripped apart down the middle. The earth itself was now shaking. People were screaming and running to their homes. “None of this is possible,” Simon thought. “The sun has turned into darkness. The earth is being shaken. It must be the end of the age.” But it was not…it was only the beginning.

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There was a sudden commotion at the cross. At one moment the centurion was shouting something about Jesus’ innocence…then he turned and ordered the breaking of the legs of the criminals. Unknown to Simon, the leaders were concerned that they would not die before sunset, thus defiling their Passover celebrations. “What hypocrites,” Simon thought. “Did they really think they were undefiled? After shedding innocent blood?” 

Then he saw two men approaching the huddle of women. They spoke to John. “Who are they?” Simon wondered. He thought they looked like rich men…one looked familiar…was he not a member of the Sanhedrin? He watched silently as they took the lifeless body of Jesus down from the cross…so tenderly…so lovingly…his mother cradling her son as she did when he was a babe. They were in haste as it was the preparation day…the day before the Sabbath…and evening was fast approaching.

“The Judeans will be celebrating the Passover tonight,” Simon thought. “While we will be in mourning. Our Lamb has been slain and is no more.” He would soon learn how wrong he had been.

He watched them hastily wrap Jesus body in spices and linen. The soldiers were there…they went with them to a tomb hewn out of a rock nearby set in a small garden…and there they laid his body on the shelf inside. They could return after the Sabbath to complete the rituals properly. As they left, Simon saw the soldiers secure and seal the large round stone. “Why?” he wondered. “Are they afraid we will steal the body? Why would we steal a dead body? Our hopes and dreams have died too, and they are entombed with him. We have no hope anymore.”

With that he turned away. He must find the others. He would have to face them sooner or later. Better that they are together than apart…at least they could comfort one another. He groaned as he rose. First, he needed to clean himself. He stank of sweat and urine.

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[1] Psalm 22:1

Thursday in Holy Week

Again there is a bit of an overlap between Thursday evening and very early Friday morning.

When Judas was gone, Jesus said: “Now is the time for the Son of Man to be glorified, and God will be glorified in him. And because God will be glorified through the Son, God will bestow upon him His own glory…and this is all about to take place, even now.”

Simon was still wondering where Judas had gone to and why. Was there something he and John had forgotten?

“My dear children, I’m only going to be present with you a little while longer. As I said earlier to the Jewish leaders so now, I say to you all as well…you will seek me but not find me because where I am going now you cannot follow.”

“Where is Jesus going now?” Simon thought. “First he sends Judas off into the night and now he says he’s going somewhere too. What on earth is going on?”

“I want you all to listen very careful to what I am telling you now. I’m giving you a new commandment, are you listening?”

Simon realised he had not been listening…he was too busy trying to understand the departure of Judas and now this talk of departure by Jesus. It was all so muddling.

“I want you to actively care for each other…I want you to love each other…in the way same I have love you. If you love as I love, then others will know that you are my disciples. If you love as I love, you will be like me…and that is a witness to me…one they can all see.”

Simon simply could not stand the suspense any longer. “Lord,” he blurted out, “where are you going?”

“Where I am going soon, you cannot follow now…but you will follow me later.”

“I don’t understand. Why can’t I follow you now? I am ready to lay down my life for you.”

“Simon.” Jesus looked at Simon with such great tenderness. “Simon, Satan has asked to sift you all as one sifts wheat…” Jesus looked around the room at all of his disciples. Then his gaze returned to Simon. “But I have pleaded in prayer for you Simon, that ultimately your faith will not fail so that, when you do turn back to me, you may strengthen your brothers.”

“What? Fail? Me? No, Lord, I am ready to go anywhere with you, be that prison or death itself!”

“Really? You will lay down your life for me? Simon, this may be hard for you to receive right now, but what I am telling you is the truth. I am not trying to hurt you…I am trying to help you so that when the time comes you are not taken by surprise. Before cock crow tomorrow morning, you will have disowned me…denied that you even know me…not once, but three times.”

“Three times, I…” Simon did not complete his sentence. He really did not know what to say. He was deeply hurt by what Jesus had just said. Three times? He had never failed anyone in his life. Why would he fail the one he had come to believe was the Messiah? Had he not shown himself to be true? He would disown him three times…what did the rabbis say about saying something three times? That it would be permanent! If he were to disown Jesus three times, how then would he be able to turn back to him? It would be over…forever.

But Jesus had moved on and when he had taken up a piece of unleavened bread, he pronounced a blessing on it, broke it in pieces, enough for each of the disciples, and then he said: “Take this and eat it. This is my body which I am giving for you. Do this repeatedly in remembrance of me.”

Remembrance! The great uniting theme of Passover. The meal focussed on their deliverance from slavery in Egypt…it was a reminder that as God freed them then, He would free them again. But Jesus seemed to be shifting the focus from the past to the present…as if he was to lead them to freedom and that this would become the new event to remember. Simon decided to put his hurt aside and focus on what Jesus was saying…this was important…he did not want to miss anything. Jesus was once more speaking about things he wanted to hear…liberation from oppression. That was Messiah talk and Simon wanted to be in on it all.

They continued eating in silence…each disciple was trying to process what had been said. Every now and again, Simon thought he caught them looking at him, but when he looked up, they turned their eyes away. “They think I’m going to deny Jesus!” He thought. “They all think I’m going to fail.” He felt a mild sense of panic well up inside of him. “What if Jesus is right? No! He would be vigilant. He would guard himself and make sure he defends Jesus, come what may.”

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At the end of the meal, Jesus took the last cup of wine and when he had lifted it up and pronounced a blessing on it, he shared it with all his disciples. “This cup is the new covenant between God and His people…a covenant that is ratified by my own blood…which I will pour out as a sacrifice for you all.”

“He’s going to fight!” Simon thought. “We are going to be part of his struggle to liberate the nation! He’s going to fight to the death…shed his blood if need be…and I’m going to be right there beside him.” 

“Don’t be afraid or discouraged,” Jesus said. “Trust God…and trust me.”

“He sounds just like Joshua,” Simon thought.[1] “Just before the conquest, God told Joshua to be courageous…just before they fought to take possession of the land…their home.”

“There is plenty of space in my Father’s Home. If this was not true, I would tell you as much. I am about to go to prepare place for you all…and once that is finished, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you may always be where I am. You know the way to where I am going?”

“No.” Everyone looked surprised when Thomas said what they all were thinking. “No, Lord. None of us know where you are going…so how would we know the way?”

“Thomas.” Jesus looked at him with such compassion. “Thomas, I am the way…I am the truth…I am the life. To get to the Father you have to go through me…there is no other way. If you really knew who I am, you would know the Father as well…and you do know Him because you have seen Him.”

The disciples felt emboldened by Thomas’ enquiry, and so Philip blurted out, “Seen Him? Lord, show Him to us and we will be more than content.”

Jesus looked at Philip with a look of sadness. “You’ve been with me for so long now, Philip…don’t you know me yet? If you have seen me, you have seen the Father…so how can you ask me to show you the Father? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father and that the Father is in me? Everything I have taught you…every word I have spoken, are not just my words, but His also. Everything I have done…every miraculous work…is done by my Father living in me.”

The disciples looked shocked. Was Jesus equating himself with God? Was he saying that they were one and the same? That was what it sounded like to them.

Jesus sighed. “You must believe me when I tell you that I am in the Father and the Father is in me…or if that is too hard for you to comprehend right now, believe on the evidence of the miraculous works themselves.”

That they could accept…God had definitely been working through Jesus. There was no way any human being could have done what they had seen him do.

“Listen to me…you witnessed me doing great things, yes? But every one of you…anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing…and even more, because I am returning to the Father. Whatever you ask in my name, I will do so that the Son may bring glory to the Father…anything that is consistent with my character.[2]”

“We will do more than Jesus did?” Simon wondered. “How? How would such a thing be possible?”

“If you love me, obey me.” Jesus said.

“Obedience? Obedience is the key to doing what Jesus did? But how can we obey when we cannot follow him to where he is going?” Simon was sure the other disciples were thinking the same things.

“I will ask the Father and He will send you another helper…He will be with you all for ever. He is the Spirit of Truth.” 

“Another helper? Someone other than Jesus?” Simon thought he preferred having Jesus stay than another helper being sent to them.

But Jesus continued to say that this helper would be one who would take up residence in each one of them. However, the words he chose to use seemed to imply that not only was he and the Father one and the same, but also the helper…this made it all so difficult to understand. How could all three be the same? 

He also seemed to indicate that their lives would be bound up in him…and that love and obedience was the key to this union…through being in him, loving him, obeying him they would gain access to the Father’s home. 

“I know you don’t understand all this now,” Jesus said, “but the Holy Spirit, the helper, he will make this clear and he will bring to remembrance everything I have taught you.”

Jesus looked at his bewildered disciples with such intense love. “I am giving you my peace…this is not the same kind of peace the world claims to give…it is greater than that…it is a peace that remains.”

No one said a word now. They did not know what to say.

“Please do not be uneasy…do not be afraid. I told you I will return…rest in that fact. If you love me, you will rejoice with me when I say I am returning to the Father because the Father is greater than I am. I have told you these things…difficult as they are to comprehend…I have told you these things now so that when they happen you will remember and believe.”

Jesus sighed again. “It must be as hard on him as it is on us,” Simon thought. “He tries to make it clear but the more he speaks the muddier the water seems to become.”

“There is much I still want to say, but time is running out. The ruler of this world is on the move. No, he has no power over me…I am doing what the Father requires of me. Through my obedience everyone will know that I love and honour my Father. But come. We must be going.”

“Where? Judas had gone. Jesus said he was going. Now we’re all going. Oh, my aching head,” Simon grumbled.

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As they walked, they passed by a vineyard. Jesus stopped and turned to the disciples. 

“I am the True Vine,” he said. 

“You know who the vine is, brother?” Andrew whispered in Simon’s ear.

“Yes, the vine is us…Israel.”

“So, if he is the true vine, then…?”

“I don’t know, Andrew…could he mean that as the Messiah he is the head of the new nation?”

“My Father is the vinedresser.” Jesus picked up a branch that had dropped in the dirt. “He lifts up every branch in me that is fruitless, and He prunes those that are fruit bearing so that they may bear even more fruit.[3] Just as a vine branch cannot bear fruit except it stay connected to the vine itself, so you too cannot bear fruit unless you stay connected to me. If that clear?”

The disciples looked at each other…the meal had been too heavy. Right now, all they wanted to do was sleep.

“I am the vine…” Jesus tried again, “…and you…you all are the branches. Those who remain connected will bear much fruit. Those who do not remain connected…well, the branch that is not connected cannot bear fruit, can it? It is to be cast aside and burned, right? If you remain in me and my teaching remains in you…then, when you ask for anything consistent with what you have learned from me, it will be granted. You see, it is to my Father’s glory that you bear much fruit…”

Jesus went on to explain that the love he shared with his Father was a love demonstrated through obedience. That was why they were to love one another as he had loved them. He told them that the greatest form of love was sacrificial love…giving one’s life for another. He added that he viewed them as friends and not as apprentices anymore, because he had taught them everything he had learned from the Father. Unlike other rabbis, he had actively pursued them and chosen them specifically to be his followers…and he said the reason he had chosen them was so that they might bear much fruit…fruit that would remain. And all of this had to do with love and obedience.

He told them not to be surprised when non-believers rejected them or hated them. If they hated him and persecuted him, they would hate and persecute them also.

“Fair enough,” Simon thought. “That I can see…our association with Jesus will not make life easier…just as he has been hounded by the unbelieving leaders, so we will be hounded too. If you hate the one you will hate the other…if the leaders did not change their views after witnessing all those miracles, then how will they believe us?”

“The helper whom I will send to you from the Father…when he comes…he is the Spirit of truth and as such he will witness about me…and with his help, you too must bear witness to me. I’ve told you all these things so that you will not be led astray when things get difficult. They will throw you out of their synagogues…in fact they will be so blind that they will think they are doing the will of God by killing you! They will do these things because they do not know me nor my Father.”

Had the disciples been awake enough, they might have been troubled by what he said about them being killed. But their minds had largely turned off by that time. 

“I know you were disturbed when I said I am going away,” Jesus continued, “but my departure is to your advantage…you must trust me in this. If I do not leave, the Holy Spirit cannot come. And you need him! Only he can convict the world of sin…only he can guide you in truth.”

Jesus implied that the truth would be consistent with what they had already been taught…that Father, Son, and Holy Spirit all spoke from one mind.

Then he added, “In a little while you will no longer see me…and then after another little while, you will.”

The disciples began to murmur to each other. They did not understand what Jesus meant that they would no longer see him and then later would see him. To them this was all so obscure. 

He explained that what he was about to do was like a woman in childbirth…the pain during delivery was unpleasant and brought much grief…but once the child had been born, the struggle was largely forgotten…it had been eclipsed by the joy of new life. He compared this to what they would go through shortly…this was their time of grief, but soon they would rejoice again. He indicated that a day would come when their bemusement would be something of the past…on that day they would believe that he had come from the Father and had entered the world and that he needed to leave the world and return to the Father.

At this point, the befuddled disciples indicated that they now understood and believed. 

“You believe?” Jesus asked in response. “Very shortly, every one of you will desert me…and you will leave me alone. But I am never alone…the Father is always with me.”

Once more he warned them that they would have trouble in the world, but that they need not fear, he had overcome the world. It was only much later that the disciples understood what he had meant.

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Suddenly Jesus turned his face skyward as He prayed to the Father. He prayed that the Father might glorify him so that he, in turn, might glorify the Father. He said that the work he had been given was now complete. Then he prayed for the disciples that they might be one even as he and the Father were one…he prayed that they might be kept safe…that they might be protected from the evil one as they continued to live in the world…that they might be made holy by the truth of the Scriptures. He spoke of him sending them into the world just as the Father had sent him into the world. 

Simon remembered the day Jesus chose them to be his twelve close followers. “He called us the sent ones. Apostles. But are we ready?” he wondered.

Jesus continued to pray, but this time he prayed for those who would believe through the witness of his sent ones. The ultimate goal was so that the world might know and believe that the Father had sent the Son. He prayed that there might be unity among all those who believed…a unity in love and a unity in him…that where he was, they might be also.

Once he completed the prayers, they moved on to the other side of the Kidron valley. As they walked Jesus suddenly turned and said to them, “This very night, all of you will fall away because of what is to happen to me, just as it was written: ‘strike down the shepherd and let the flock scatter’. But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you to Galilee.”

These words brought the words of Jesus spoken at the table back to the surface. Simon felt a bitter taste in his mouth. “Lord…even if everyone else deserts you, I never will.” And he meant every word…

“Oh Simon, what I said before I say again. Before cock crow tomorrow morning, you will have denied me three times.”

“No!” Simon almost shouted. “Even if I have to shed my blood with you, I will never disown you. Never!”

All the other disciples agreed. 

Jesus turned and led them to an olive grove where they had often stayed on previous visits to Jerusalem. While the other disciples found soft spots to sleep, Jesus called Simon, James, and John closer. Simon was still smarting from the repeated statement of Jesus regarding his failure to remain true to him, but he went anyway.

Jesus told the others to stay where they were. There was no argument or protestation. Most were already falling asleep.

“I am exceedingly troubled,” Jesus told the three. “Stay here and pray with me.”

He walked a little further and then fell with his face to the ground in anguished prayer. They heard him say, “Father, if it is possible, take this bitter cup away from me.” He was breathing heavily. It was clear to them that he was in great distress. “Nevertheless…I want your will to be done, not mine.”

That was the last they heard until they woke up to find him standing over them. “Could you not pray with me for one hour, Simon? You need to be vigilant. The only way you can avoid temptation is through fervent prayer. Your spirit is sincere and willing, but your flesh is still very weak.”

This was repeated twice more…he prayed, they slept. Then they awoke to hear him say, “Are you still sleeping? My time has come…I am being betrayed into the hands of sinners. Get up, quickly. Look! Can you see my betrayer is coming?”

They heard the sounds of a large crowd trying to move quietly…but not succeeding. Then Judas came up to Jesus and kissed him on the cheek…they came to learn later that this was the sign he had given them so that they would know which one was Jesus. 

Things happened so quickly. One moment Jesus was speaking to the crowd, all armed with swords and clubs. At first, they fell back, but then they lunged forward to apprehend him. Simon lunged back slicing off the ear of the high priest’s servant. But Jesus admonished him telling him that those lived by the sword would die by the sword…and that he had to drink the cup the Father had given him.

“But,” Simon thought, “what of the talk of blood shed? Why won’t he let me fight? I said I would die for him…why won’t he let me?”

But Jesus simply stooped to heal the wound of the servant.

When the crowd grabbed Jesus and bound him, all the disciples deserted him and fled…just as he had said. One even fled naked into the night leaving his only covering in the hands of one of the mob. 

But under the cover of darkness, Simon and John followed the crowd at a safe distance. 

“They are taking him to the palace of the High Priest,” John said. “Good, I am known to the family. I will go in and try to find out what is going on. You wait outside the gate. I will see if I can get you in as well.”

A large crowd was gathered in the High Priest’s courtyard. Some appeared to be drunk. A mob is a frightening thing, Simon thought…it often takes on a life of its own that no one can control. People have been ripped apart by such crowds. As he watched his fear mounted…he played all the possible scenarios over and over again in his minds. He almost fainted when the gate suddenly opened. 

“You may enter,” said the girl who kept the gate. John stood behind her motioning for him to come in, but Simon hesitated. He was afraid, very afraid. But he had promised not to desert Jesus…when he walked through the gate, he felt like he had entered a den filled with ravenous lions.  

Simon reeked of fear. Rivulets of sweat trickled down his back even though it was cool that night. He moved closer to the coal fire in the courtyard of the High Priest’s Palace. The pungent smell of burning coal filled his nostrils, but the warmth was somehow comforting. He knew he was shivering, and he leaned into the heat to get control over his jerky body movements. 

Then he heard it. The short sharp sound of a hard slap and the sound of a body crumpling to the ground. “They are going to kill him,” he thought. “They are going to kill us all.” His heart was racing, and he was hyperventilating. 

That girl…she was walking his way and a sense of horror overtook him. Wasn’t she the girl at the gate? John had spoken to her to let him in. She knew him. She knew that he was with John and she knew who John was…what was she going to do? Then she raised her arm and with a crooked smile she pointed at him. “He’s one of them,” she hissed to those around them. She spoke to him directly. “Aren’t you? You were with this Jesus of Nazareth!” Heads turned. Simon thought he was going to throw up. “You’re wrong, woman!” he heard himself say. “I don’t even know him.” He could hear his pulse in his head…pounding, pounding, pounding. 

“Leave now!” he reasoned with himself. “Save yourself while you are still able. You can’t help him anymore.” But he stayed. 

There was yelling. Another slap, this time there was laughter…evil laughter. He looked up. He saw Jesus’s face was bleeding. They had pulled out his beard. “Oh, sovereign God in heaven! Help!” he prayed silently. It felt like there were fingers around his throat…pressing harder and harder. His hands were cold and clammy. He tried in vain to regulate his breathing. He clenched his fists, digging his nails into his palms, trying to deal with a rising sense of panic. “Just don’t move now,” he told himself. “Don’t even look his way. Breathe normally. Stop shaking!” But he couldn’t help himself. He had to look. 

There were a few familiar faces in the crowd around Jesus. People they knew…people that had once been part of the crowds that followed Jesus…that was always the hardest to deal with. How could anyone laugh at the misfortune of another? Especially one as good and innocent as Jesus? Besides, a trial ought to be orderly and without violence. This was worse than a mockery…it was a travesty of justice. Was it permitted to hold a trial at night? And just before the Sabbath?

He moved towards the shadows. Why could he not bring himself to leave? He could hear Annas, the High Priest asking Jesus about his followers and what he had been teaching them. Why this line of questioning? Were they were trying to trap Jesus, he wondered? Simon knew full well that only the Romans had the right to put someone to death. Maybe they wanted him to confess to some form of treason…that he had been teaching his disciples things that would amount to sedition. He could clearly hear Jesus’s reply. “Everyone knows what I teach. I have been speaking openly in synagogues and in the Temple. I have not spoken in secret. If you want to know what I have been teaching, ask those who have heard me speak. They know what I have taught.”

“Indeed, they did,” Simon mused. “Many who were gathered around Jesus had been in the crowds, in the synagogues, in the Temple…where was that Nicodemus Andrew had told him about? Why did no one say anything in his defence?”

But his thoughts were interrupted by yet another hard slap. The guard had slapped Jesus across the face. “That is no way to address the High Priest!” the brute shouted. Instinctively Simon moved forward once more, back in the direction of the coal fire, but he stopped short of stepping into the light. The shadows kept him from being recognised…in the darkness he felt safer.

There was silence for a moment. Simon strained to hear what was happening…he did not dare move closer. He could barely see Jesus. He was still standing in spite of the vicious blow. “You must prove if I have said anything wrong. If I am speaking the truth you have no reason to beat me.”

It amazed him that Jesus did not retaliate. Surely, he who calmed the storm, who faced a legion of demons, who robbed the grave, could silence these lawbreakers? But when they hurled their insults at him, for the most part he simply remained silent. It appeared to Simon that Jesus was not like a man fighting for his life. It was as if he had entrusted himself to another judge…one who always did what was right…and, in spite of the verbal and physical abuse afflicted on him, he was at peace.

There was a sudden commotion and Simon realised they were taking Jesus to another part of the compound.[4] They stopped before the house of Caiphas…the Roman appointed High Priest. There he saw the whole Jewish Council assembled. They had, no doubt, been debating the case amongst themselves while Jesus was being detained by Annas. Jesus was now standing closer to him. He could see the blood and the bruises. He stifled a sob. This was his master…his teacher…his friend…

Some men were shouting. “We heard this man say that he would destroy this Temple and raise up another in three days!” They were arguing. Some shouted one thing, others shouted something else. They obviously had not understood Jesus’s words correctly. 

In the midst of this cacophony Caiaphas stood up. “You choose to remain silent, do you? Will you not defend yourself against these accusations?” When no answer was forthcoming, he said in a loud voice. “Then tell us this. Are you the Messiah, the son of the Blessed One?”

“Oh Jesus,” Simon thought. “Say nothing. Don’t tell them anything. They will only distort the true meaning of your words.”

There was silence for a very brief period and then Simon heard Jesus say clearly, “I AM.” 

Did he just invoke the name of God? Does he want to die? 

Jesus spoke again. “And you,” he looked about at all those standing around him. “And you will see the Son of Man seated in the place of power at the right hand of God Almighty as he comes with the clouds of heaven.”

Simon felt his knees grow weak. There was no going back now. He knew the prophesy from Daniel…he did not understand it, but he knew who Jesus had just claimed to be. 

And the High Priest did too. “Why do we need further witness?” He tore his robe as he thundered out, “you have all heard the blasphemer. Pronounce your verdict!”

“Guilty!” they all shouted. “He deserves to be killed!” At that moment the mob went wild. They spat on him, blindfolded him, hit him with their fists, screamed at him, and mockingly demanded that he prophesy as to who hit him. The guards too were slapping him. There was no semblance of order anymore, and absolute mayhem ensued. 

Suddenly, Simon realised he had inadvertently moved back into the light of the coal fire. He felt a hand on his shoulder. He spun round, eyes wide, and mouth open. He almost yelled out. The man before him had an awful look on his face…a diabolical grin. “You are one of his disciples, aren’t you?” The question slithered out of the man’s mouth like a serpent. Simon overreacted and pulled away a bit too quickly. “Don’t be ridiculous!” he spat out. “I’m not one of the man’s disciples. I’m not!” 

“You have a Galilean accent,” the man said. “You must be one of them.” 

Simon felt like he had taken a hard punch to the stomach. His heart was racing once again, and he was breathing rapidly.  He struggled to regain control of himself, but before he could recover from the shock and retreat back into the shadows, another person stepped towards him. Simon noticed the guards looking their way and talking to each other, pointing at the group gathering around him. He felt a warm trickle of urine run down his leg. “I’m going to die,” he thought. 

“Didn’t I see you out there in the garden with this blasphemer, Jesus?” Simon recognised him. He had been standing next to the man whose ear Simon had cut off in his zeal to rescue Jesus. Where had that zeal gone now? At that time, there had been a group of them. He had felt confident in their numbers. But now, he stood alone in the face of a group of people intent on killing them all. 

“A curse on me if I am lying,” he almost shrieked. “I don’t even know the man you are talking about!” He clenched his teeth and looked up, but instead of boldly facing his accusers he looked straight into the eyes of Jesus…those loving, kind, compassionate eyes that penetrated deeply into his innermost being. There were no words spoken, but Simon thought he heard Jesus’s voice saying, “I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon. You will come back to me, and when you do, strengthen your brothers.” 

Then he heard the sound of the cock crow. 

“Before the time of the cock crow, Simon, you will deny three times that you even know me.” Simon heard the voice of Jesus speaking in his head. Three times! He had denied that he knew him three times! The Rabbis taught that anything said three times was permanent.[5] Didn’t that mean he was no longer a disciple of Jesus? Did that even matter now? He had failed…failed his friend when he needed him most…but worse! He had denied he even knew him. 

To him his act of betrayal went far beyond that of Judas! Self-loathing rose up inside him like sour bile, erasing the fear he had felt only moments ago. He heard himself howl out from a depth he had never plumbed before. He was wailing, throwing dust on his head, ripping at his clothing, whirling about, blindly looking for the gate. Having found the exit, he plunged into the darkest night he had ever known in his life…weeping uncontrollably as he stumbled on. 

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[1] Joshua 1:9

[2] I believe this is the meaning of “in my name”.

[3] I am using the literal translation “lift up” rather than “cut off” as it may better reflect our Lord’s meaning. To irrevocably remove the fruitless branch “in” Him would seem to indicate that there is something that is able to snatch us out of His hand. 

[4] See Life Application New Testament Commentary, page 452, commentary on John…Caiaphas same courtyard as Annas.

[5] Chazaka – saying something three times makes it permanent: http://www.askmoses.com/en/article/228,503/Why-are-many-things-in-Judaism-done-three-times.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chazakah