Soul Searching

Difficult. Hard. Trying. These are words that come to mind as I think back over December, January, and the first half of February.

In December I missed my family...my children, my grandchildren, my brothers, my cousins...and my long deceased parents. Often what I missed was never reality anyway, but that just made it worse! I was in a funk. It is not strange to hear missionaries go through periods like this, but I struggled. However, we did have the Queen and we are grateful for her presence with us.

But then in late December, I began to slow down...a fatigue came over me and I found myself having to rest a lot more. I had gone through this in October and the doctors had thought I had Celiac Disease...and staying on a strict diet had appeared to help for a while. Be that as it may, we managed to keep up with our usual schedule, but we both knew something was not right. I used to be way ahead of Louise, but now I couldn't keep up...I was dragging.

In January we made an appointment with my regular cardiologist who told me why...my pacemaker battery was running down fast and I needed to have it replaced as soon as possible. In her words, "If your battery dies, you will not remain conscious for much longer." Can't beat her sense of humour.

The surgeon was going on leave early February, so we had to rush into securing a date. We notified our Medical Insurance and they gave us the green light, but just wanted a definite date. Two days later, their system went down...everything...website, emails, and telephones. Someone had attempted to hack into their system and in order to prevent this from happening, they shut everything down. This left in a quandary. I could not delay the surgery...time...or more to the point, my battery was running out.

SAMS told us to move forward. They would help cover the initial deductible and would help us along until the insurance was functioning again. Thankfully our credit card allowed us to overextend our limit...not something I like to do...but we had no choice. The medical bills wiped us out. We were too afraid to buy groceries that week as we had maxed it out completely.

The day after the surgery, the technician who replaced the pacemaker told me, rather nonchalantly, that my atria were now completely dependent on the device. Without it...if the battery malfunctions, or a lead is somehow detached...well...you fill in the blanks. With the risk of sounding morbid, it really made me think about my mortality...how much time do I have left to make a difference in the lives of folks who do not know the Lord Jesus?

Then the Sunday after the surgery, my pulse raced (between 125 and 148) and my blood pressure dropped and Louise thought I needed to go to the emergency room. But how could we? Our credit card was maxed out. So we waited for another three hours, until it got so bad that we decided to go anyway...let the chips fall where they may. Just as we were about to leave, it all stopped and everything returned to normal. Go figure.

We knew many people were standing with us and praying for us. If not, I am sure the stress would have buried us. Several of us engaged in spiritual warfare as we knew the evil one never rests.

But then we received our SAMS giving report. January was low. Usually this wouldn't bother me that much as our giving does tend to fluctuate as some folks give every now and again, and I know our supporters are so faithful month after month, but after all we had been through this pulled the rug out from under me. You can imagine the questions that ran through my mind. Are we doing what the Lord wants us to do? Are we in the right place? Did we offend someone? Have we done something wrong? Deep soul searching ensued.

Thankfully I have a Texan Barnabas in my life who regularly contacts me via WhatsApp and Zoom and helps me get over myself...puts me back on track and corrects my perspective. I am deeply grateful to him and for his ministry to me. He has also helped me see the importance of the book I am writing on disciple making, encouraging me to see it as a main focal part of my missionary calling. Im not sure how much longer we will be able to keep up the hectic pace of the past few years...but I can pass along the knowledge and experience we have gained over these years to others through my writing.

I have passed on the rough drafts of the first two chapters to a few folks I respect and whose opinion I value (one in particular can be brutally honest) and so far we have only received positive feedback and encouragement. The book is about the development of Simon Peter as a disciple...it has been in my head for three years now and is beginning to become reality as I write.

To be honest, I'm not sure where this is going. This may not be many people's idea of mission work. But my dear Texan Barnabas has helped me to understand that my mission is to do that for which God has called me to do and that He would not give me the talent, the gifts, and the passion to write this book if He was not going to care for us.

We still continue to work in the local church here and with various small groups in the area. Last evening I spoke about the period between the Testaments to an interdenominational, interracial group, showing them how the 'silent years' were not that silent. That even though it seemed as if God was not speaking, He was working out His purposes through people who often were not even believers, preparing the way for the Gospel to go into the known world. This group will continue every second Sunday evening and we will be working through the Gospels chronologically.

There is also a very strong possibility of us going to Cambodia for about a month to stand in for another SAMS Missionary who needs to return to the US for an extended period of time.

So, in one sense the ministry will continue in spite of my need to slow down and spend more time writing...and recovering.

Please pray with us. As I said in the beginning of the letter, these past few months have been difficult. I know we will climb out of the financial hole we are in at present in due course...I know there is alway a positive end to these sorts of trials...and the renewed dependency on God is always a great reward.

We are grateful for every email, every letter, every card, every Facebook post, every thought and every prayer.

We love you, pray for you, and are grateful that you are part of our lives and ministry.

Many blessings and hugs and love.

Johann and Louise