The Hunt of the Black Dog

Red eyes blazing in the darkness

The black dog hunts me once again

In his fury bringing memories

Better covered than recalled

Of desertion and abandonment

Of ridicule and shame

Of bullying and mocking

Of desperate prayers unanswered

Nights of tears and nights of begging

For release from life and pain

Seeking solace in blood letting

And in drugs and alcohol

Of life behind a mask of laughter

Of screaming in a wooden trunk

Of smothering under pressed down pillow  

Of beatings with fist and belt

Seeking love and affirmation

Where there was no more to give

Speaking words that have no meaning

Others wanted me to say

Of hiding bruises and of lying

Of being pinched until you’re bleeding

Of smiling in the face of demons

Of no respite – no relief

No one there to talk to

No one to comprehend

The self-destructive hatred

The loathing and abhorrence

Of seeking value and finding none

Of producing nothing of consequence

Of wanting to be anyone but oneself

Of living in books and dreams

And so, he hunts me down again

This sulfurous dog from hell

Digging up what once was buried

What was covered by his blood

Of past revulsions 

Of past discriminations

Of past humiliations

Of past revulsions

No! There will be no exhumation

The past was buried with my death

All washed off when Jesus raised me

To be with Him in Paradise.

© Johannes W H van der Bijl 2020