Red eyes blazing in the darkness
The black dog hunts me once again
In his fury bringing memories
Better covered than recalled
Of desertion and abandonment
Of ridicule and shame
Of bullying and mocking
Of desperate prayers unanswered
Nights of tears and nights of begging
For release from life and pain
Seeking solace in blood letting
And in drugs and alcohol
Of life behind a mask of laughter
Of screaming in a wooden trunk
Of smothering under pressed down pillow
Of beatings with fist and belt
Seeking love and affirmation
Where there was no more to give
Speaking words that have no meaning
Others wanted me to say
Of hiding bruises and of lying
Of being pinched until you’re bleeding
Of smiling in the face of demons
Of no respite – no relief
No one there to talk to
No one to comprehend
The self-destructive hatred
The loathing and abhorrence
Of seeking value and finding none
Of producing nothing of consequence
Of wanting to be anyone but oneself
Of living in books and dreams
And so, he hunts me down again
This sulfurous dog from hell
Digging up what once was buried
What was covered by his blood
Of past revulsions
Of past discriminations
Of past humiliations
Of past revulsions
No! There will be no exhumation
The past was buried with my death
All washed off when Jesus raised me
To be with Him in Paradise.
© Johannes W H van der Bijl 2020
