Final Thoughts of the Traitor

I chose how to live

Now I choose how to die

Or do I?

I really don’t want to live anymore

I cannot undo what I have done

I betrayed him

Denied him

Sold him

My lifelong desire has been exposed

All along I wanted riches

Now I have it

Silver coins

Thirty

I sold my soul for fame and fortune

I tried to find my life

Fulfil my dream

At any price

I am lost

I hear the jeering and the mourning

The leaders and the fickle crowd

I am beyond redemption

There is no way out

From the abyss

I feel the rope around my neck

What awaits me in the dark

Is this end just a beginning

Of further torment

And regret 

Can I by ending this my failure

Erase the bitterness inside

Is there a better way

Can I avoid decay

Or oblivion

Is there forgiveness for my wretchedness?

Is there a future for my past

Am I beyond a cure for sin

Is there no choice

I am unalterable

And so before I jump into uncertainty

Am I resolved that this is it

That there is no escape

No solution for me

In life

What if death does not absolve me

What if I am not set free

To endure for all eternity

The errors of my heart

My selfishness

But I am lost within this darkness

My soul has been bought and sold 

I am blind in my desolation

I cannot see past myself

My choices

I should have listened to his warnings

Even now I could confess

But my pride prevents my turning

There is no explanation

I jump

I cannot undo what I have done

I sought my life only to lose it

And now it is lost

For eternity

Eternity.

© Johannes W H van der Bijl 2020