THE UNTOLD STORY: Entry Twenty-Six

Entry Twenty-Six: Ecclesiastes 4:12

Elizabeth tells me there are some young men to see me. I tell her to bring them to Benjamin’s house. If they cross his threshold, I will welcome them.

They file in, one by one, looking sheepish…embarrassed…awkward. One appears to be quite agitated. They greet me…touch me…kiss me on either cheek as is our custom. They sit but they say nothing. The agitated one speaks first. He tells me he cannot believe we have mourned Benjamin as dead. I am struck dumb by this outburst. The other young men look away…they are mortified by their friend’s lack of tact and decorum. But the young man weeps freely…openly…he is honest…and I love him for his honesty. I reach out to him and smile. He suddenly realises that I feel the same way and he falls to his knees before me. He is shaking with emotion…they all are.

Now they begin to speak, first one then the other. They speak about Benjamin in the present tense…they speak his name. I am drinking greedily from this refreshing fountain of brotherly love. They make my son come alive to me. They tell me stories of their antics together with my Benjamin. Their energy revives my soul and rekindles my hope in humanity. I am not the only one to question the behaviour of my community…our community…I am not the only one to question the harshness of their rules…their interpretation of God’s law…their interpretation of God. 

I am aglow with life tonight. Benjamin’s friends have become my friends…no, more than friends. My lifeline. I will seek them out again. Together we will keep the flame of faith burning brightly…the preacher said that a threefold cord cannot be easily broken…first it was only me…then it was me and God…now it is me, God, and Benjamin’s friends. Surely, nothing can break this cord of hope.

THE UNTOLD STORY: Entry Twenty-Five

Entry Twenty-Five: Jeremiah 31:16-20

Eight days after Miriam left us for the bosom of Abraham, we took Benjamin to be circumcised…the sign of our covenant with God…the sign that we and our children belong to God and to His people. Strictly speaking, it was my traditional duty to circumcise him, but I did not trust my hand that day. Aaron and I took him in the early morning…the dew was still wet on the ground. Elizabeth was with us…someone…I forget who…had recommended her as a nursemaid. She stayed on, long after Benjamin had been weaned. She is more family than housemaid to me.

Miriam’s brother served as godfather. I have not seen him since Benjamin left. Does he think of his godson too? As Miriam was not present, I placed Benjamin into his arms myself. I remember his eyes…always moist…yet at different points of the ceremony, overflowing…deep pools of love spilling over and washing his tiny head…a covering of love. There was a pause in the prayer before the rabbi spoke his name for the first time. Miriam had chosen the name as she breathed out her last breath…like, yet unlike, Rachel.[i]

The celebratory meal was difficult…mealtimes always reminded me of Miriam…for years after, a well-prepared meal could bring me to tears. Many things brought me to tears then…as they do now for Benjamin…they are just different things for Miriam and different things for Benjamin. 

The law tells us that the uncircumcised male is to be considered cut off from his people…and so we believed…but Benjamin’s own people have cut him off anyway. They say he is uncircumcised of heart.[ii] But a knife has cut off a piece of my heart…then I am doubly circumcised…for me and for him. If a ram could serve as a substitute for Isaac, surely, I can be a substitute for Benjamin.[iii] Israel returned to the Lord, will Benjamin not be allowed to return? 

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[i] Genesis 35:16-19

[ii] Jeremiah 9:25

[iii] Genesis 22:13-14

THE UNTOLD STORY: Day Twenty-Four

Day Twenty-Four: Psalm 103:1-12

Not the owner…a farm manager…but still a Gentile. He was respectful and did not approach me or attempt to embrace me as is the custom. Nor did he attempt to stop me from speaking about Benjamin. He seemed to welcome the conversation. But alas, he tells me that Herod is thinking of gifting this land to a Roman General by the name of Mark Anthony. This will only serve to exacerbate the hatred felt towards Benjamin. The gossips have it that Mark Anthony courts the unfaithful Egyptian queen, Cleopatra. I never thought that things could get worse…but I must leave the future where it is…to drag what may never happen into the present would be a grave mistake for me at this point. 

I spent the rest of the day in Benjamin’s rooms…touching his few remaining possessions. Aaron wanted to burn it all, but I said no. He cites verses in the law about the uncleanness of objects handled by the unclean…but we both know that he quotes these laws out of context. Besides, is it for us to make an error of judgement a permanent stain on the soul of another human being? Is there no forgiveness with our God? Surely God does not deal with us according to our errors…His mercy is higher than the highest heavens…if God removes our sins from us as far as the east is from the west, then who are we to chain down the sins of others? 

The fragrance of my son yet clings to his belongings. I bury my face in his robe when I sleep at night. It helps me to raise him in my dreams. I wonder if Jacob kept his son’s many coloured robe…even though it was covered in goat’s blood.[i] Did it serve as a touchable reminder of a happiness that once was his? He vowed to go to his grave mourning his son…and yet Joseph was still alive…and they were reunited many years later. Perhaps God will be merciful and grant me the same reunion. Ah, perhaps this thought was a sign from Him…?

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[i] Genesis 37:33

THE UNTOLD STORY: Day Twenty-Three

Day Twenty-Three: Genesis 3:9

Apparently, the Rabbi wanted to see me today. I said, no. A man who will not speak my son’s name will rob me of my fragile unreal reality. It is scarcely held together by dreams and remembrances. No rabbinical logic will steal away my precious moments with my Benjamin.

Aaron seems exasperated…when he sees me, he shakes his head or rolls his eyes. He scowls at me during dinner. I am an unpleasant reminder of a brother he wishes to forget. Does his god only love the righteous? His god would not have called for Adam in the garden…his god would not have given them the promise of the seed to come…his god would not promise anything…his god would turn his back and walk away. 

My God sends sunshine to our land as well as the land that now belongs to Herod…without distinction…and He will send rain in due season too. I catch myself thinking that in this I am not unlike Aaron and his rabbi…I have been too harsh…perhaps I ought to walk over and speak to the new owner. Is he not God’s creature too? Lost, like Benjamin, yet loved still. Am I a heretic?

Perhaps I will walk in what was Benjamin’s orchard of palm trees in the cool of the evening…as God walked in the cool of the evening in the garden. Perhaps I may find an Adam of my own…an Adam who needs to be found. An Adam who may be like my Benjamin.

But for now, I sit at the river and talk to my Benjamin. Yes, I find that I can talk to him here…he makes no reply…but perhaps if I speak long enough, he will hear and come home to find me. Would he know where to find me? Would he remember this place as I do? What if he returns while I am gone? Would he not flee the home that has now become inhospitable? I must return.

THE UNTOLD STORY: Day Twenty-Two

Day Twenty-Two: Genesis 15

It was about at this time that Joshua crossed over the Jordan. The priests who carried the ark walked to the edge of the river, and as their toes touched the water, God stopped the flow of the river…even though it was flooding, as it is now.[i] Were they afraid as they advanced? The whole company crossed over, as on dry land, and entered the Promised Land…their wilderness wanderings were over…this crossing was the beginning of the fulfilment of the promises God made to the patriarchs many years prior to the actual event. About five hundred years of delayed hope lay between Abraham and Joshua. Five hundred years! How did they keep the flame of hope alive when the winds of doubt were blowing?

Moses tells us that Abraham believed God.[ii] Believed, in spite of his doubts. And yet he died without experiencing the fulfilment of the promise. Yes, he had a son, but no land…the land could only be seen through the eyes of faith. But if hope fails, does faith fail also? Not with Abraham…not with Isaac…not with Jacob…not with his descendants…not with Moses…not with Joshua. Why then does hope and faith fail with me? Is my faith that small?

I cannot think on this now. Such deliberations crowd out Benjamin…and I must keep him before my face. I am afraid that if I do not think on him, that I will forget him completely…that I will move on as the others have moved on…consigning Benjamin to an unrecalled, bygone era. I sit by the river and conjure up images…some are fleeting, others stay a little longer…but they all move on far too quickly. 

Why didn’t he stay? Why did he leave me? 

I hear his laughter…I look up, expecting to see his smiling face peering at me from behind a rock…but there is no one. Is there a promise for me to believe? If there is, what is it? 

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[i] Joshua 3:15

[ii] Genesis 15:6

THE UNTOLD STORY: Day Twenty-One

Day Twenty-One: Psalm 42:6-7

The Jordan is even higher today than yesterday. The pool is no longer tranquil…to the contrary…it is now a dangerous sucking whirlpool. How the river mirrors my life. Twenty-two days ago, my life was flowing along pleasantly…now I am in danger of being overcome by life…of being pulled under by the sheer force of my overflowing distress.

I cannot live in my present. It is too painful…too empty…too full…uninhabitable. It feels like drowning in a barren desert. Therefore I create another existence for myself. An existence that does not exist, but one where I can breathe without pain. I must do this if I am to survive.

Benjamin is my constant companion…a pervasive presence. I seek him at the river more so than any other place…there where no one can drag me back to where I do not wish to be. Like the river, his life rushed past me all too quickly. And yet, had I tried to snatch at any event to keep it, it would have trickled out like water between my fingers. One cannot catch a moment in time and keep it…not in a physical sense. No…such things belong to the world of light and shadow…

But I am coming to learn that the mind is at once wonderful and dreadful. I can bring back the most tender moments with a mere thought…a sound…an aroma…only to have it dwindle and fade before I am ready to let it go. And my memories play tricks on me too…they are not always accurate…some events are easily confused with other events. Unpleasant memories are dealt with by my heart. My love intervenes when a negative thought comes to the surface…like the river that sucks under a broken branch only to spit it out on the bank further downstream. 

My unreal reality may only contain joy-filled moments. This is what makes the real reality bearable…spit it out or be overcome in the depths of the surging tides.

 

October 2020 Newsletter

Johann and Louise: Training Disciples to Make Disciples in Southern Africa And so he died. Alone. Asleep. Agnostic. My brother was not a believer in the strict sense of the word. But he had more of a problem with the Church than with the Lord. His life was an unhappy one and most members of the flock he met were wolves in sheep's clothing. And yet the Good Shepherd is relentless in searching for His lost lambs and I do believe that He pursued Eldon with an unfathomable love up until his final breath. So I entrust my brother to the mercy of our gracious Father.  The road trip to and from Durban where Eldon lived, was, in many ways, restorative for both Louise and myself. The lockdown prevented us from travelling for most of the year and we needed to refocus. While the reason was tragic, sad, and very stressful, the change of scenery gifted us a better perspective on many things. Like many before me, I have come to realise that suffering ought to be embraced as a tool in the hand of a benevolent Creator and that life in general is a classroom with every lesson carefully designed to bring us closer to our Master Educator. The sooner we learn to hold transitory things loosely, the more content we will be in life.  Lockdown has not been all bad. Louise and I have discovered and nurtured different spiritual gifts as we have tried to minister to others within the reality of confinement. Louise is now very involved with a local organisation called Tools 4 Life...a group that reaches out to the marginalised and disenfranchised, but more specifically to those who have special needs, both children and adults. In certain cultures, special needs are often viewed in strongly negative terms, as a curse on the family, or as punishment for wrongdoing. Consequently, the special needs folks are often rejected and alone. T4L reaches out to them and helps them cope with their many challenges.   We are also involved in an Alpha Premarital Course with 5 young couples...we are the support couple...which is fun as we are to have the couples around to our home for a meal during which we help them understand the course and alert them to areas they need to work on. All before they are married!  Johann continues to preach at the local Anglican Church and also teaches a class on the Gospels on Sunday evenings. We are still both involved in the lives of our disciples and they, in turn, are proving to be excellent disciple makers themselves!  We received news that Johann's book, Breakfast on the Beach: The Development of Simon Peter, will be published by Langham Publishers sometime mid to late 2021. He has completed the sequel to this book, For Us, For Our Children, For the World, and will send it to Langham as soon as he has done more editing work on it. He is busy writing another book based on the parable of the prodigal sons and researching the life and ministry of SPG Missionaries to South Africa during the late 1800's and early 1900's. This is the undiscovered gift he has found during lockdown.   The Covid numbers are still high, but seem to be tapering down somewhat. Crime, unfortunately is still rampant, as are instances of farm murders. But for the most part, I am convinced that the majority of Southern Africans simply want to live in peace and get on with their lives. It is sad to see racial fires stoked by a few vocal folks.   The Queen is still locked in her castle, but we do hope that these restrictions will soon be lifted. Louise and I have decided that if they are not lifted by Christmas, we will take her out temporarily so that she can at least spend the holy days with us.    You are a blessing to us. We pray for all our SAMS-USA staff, all our supporters, and all our missionaries on a daily basis. And we know you all pray for us.    Thank you for your ongoing support. We are so grateful to each one who prays for us and supports us financially and otherwise. As usual, our SAMS support account could be better, but then again it could also be worse. The Lord knows our needs and we leave that in His hands. Bless you and thank you.   All our love Johann and Louise Support Us Johann and Louise spent two years helping to develop the St. Frumentius Seminary in Gambella, Ethiopia. At present, they are mostly working in Southern Africa where they are serving in seven southern African countries, although they continue to work with the Diocese of Egypt, North Africa, and the Horn of Africa as well as other southern and northern African countries, through engaging in a disciple making movement in order to grow the body of Christ. They are partnering with J-Life and other like-minded ministries. This ministry is massive and has the ability to reach thousands. We are sent  through the Society of Anglican Missionaries and Senders, a missionary sending community, engaging in building relationships with the worldwide church to experience the broken restored, the wounded healed, the hungry fed, and the lost found through the love and power of Jesus Christ.  Support SAMS Copyright © 2016 Society of Anglican Missionaries and Senders, All rights reserved. www.sams-usa.org      Our mailing address is: PO Box 399 Ambridge PA 15003 Attention to: Johann and Louise van der Bijl Want to change how you receive these emails? You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list