THE UNTOLD STORY: Entry Fifty-Four

PART THREE: Destination

Chapter Five: Cresting the Crisis

Entry Fifty-Four:

Everyone processes grief differently. This I am beginning to learn. At first, I thought all grief is the same…from what I had observed in the past, everyone seemed to deal with grief in a similar manner. But I know now, from my own first-hand experience that this is not true. There is no discernible pattern to grief…there are as many different paths as there are different people. I have learned also that there are just as many different ways to approach and console those who are grieving as there are different varieties of responses to loss. Some show no signs of distress…others are angry…others are vocal…many are silent. 

Benjamin’s uncle, his godfather, came to see me today for the first time. Initially I did not wish to see him. I felt he had forsaken the one he had vowed never to abandon. But the holy Scriptures tell us not to give evil for evil , so I relented. And it was good. He explained that he was angry in the beginning…at Benjamin and then at me. He believed I was making a mockery of the law. But as time went by his heart outshone his mind, and he began to turn back to the path of light…the path of love and commitment. He admired my stance…my immovable resolution to stand with Benjamin, regardless of the pressure to do as Aaron, the rabbi, and the community has done…as they urge me to do. With tears Benjamin’s uncle, my brother-in-law, sought my forgiveness and I granted it gladly.

I took him along to meet my new friends…my new family. He wept freely as he confessed that what I ought to have received from him, I had received from others. But what matters is not when he came to me, but that he came…he, too, has enriched my life.

THE UNTOLD STORY: Entry Fifty-Three

Entry Fifty-Three: Ecclesiastes 3:10-12

It is too hot now to meet at the river. As I am now the tender of the Orchards for Herod on Benjamin’s land, we decide to meet in the shady lane between two large, leafy Palm Trees. Levi and I believe that since we have struggled with our respective tragedies and have survived, we now have something to give these young men…something to offer. But we are wrong…at least in one sense. These boys have something to teach us too. Our tragedies have touched their lives as well. One knew Asher well…and his trauma is as real as ours. He tells us how he tried in vain to get Asher to follow a different path…to make better decisions. When Asher was killed in the brawl, this young man felt as if his hopes had been irreparably shattered. And the others, they have lost a good friend in Benjamin. In that we are the same: each one has been wounded deeply. But we are also alike in that we do not want to waste our suffering. If we must endure this hurt, then let it serve to make us better human beings…and, in turn, to help us make others better too.

Asher’s friend, Simeon by name, quotes a Roman philosopher named Lucius Annaeus Seneca. “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” So the Gentile’s have wisdom too, I say. We all laugh. Another young man, John by name, quotes from the preacher. “God has set eternity in the hearts of human beings, and yet they cannot grasp what God has done from beginning to end.”  We talk about many things…and enjoy learning from each other. Ah, Benjamin. While you changed my life in profound ways by your presence, you have also changed me profoundly by your absence.  Had you not left this aching void in my heart, my life would never have been filled by these wonderful people. 

I no longer have to seek you in my dreams and in my fantasies. You live on in our growing care for each other.

THE UNTOLD STORY: Entry Fifty-Two

Entry Fifty-Two: 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Levi asks me how I feel about Herod’s proposition. I tell him that while I am pleased to have the promise of the return of our ancestral land in the near future, I would still much rather have my son than the land. He nods and tells me he understands. I suddenly dissolve in tears…to have another living, breathing, human being say he understands how I feel is overwhelming. Our respective tragedies, although very different one from the other, unites us and reinforces the growing bond between us. Even though we have only been talking to each other for a few days now, I sense that here is a man I can trust…I can expose my deepest fears and craziest fantasies without trepidation…I can be vulnerable in his presence…here is a friend I can rely on regardless of what may transpire. As someone once told me, “In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends.”  

I tell Levi that I wish to introduce him to Benjamin’s friends. Perhaps, together we can build new lives…even a new family. He wonders out loud whether the parents of the young men would not object. I tell him about the fist-wielding man and how the boys stood between us until he stormed off in rage. These are not ordinary young men, I tell him. Perhaps they are equally disillusioned with the harshness of our community. Think on it, I say. We who are older and more experienced could lead them back to what the Scriptures teach about God…rather than what they are taught to believe in the oral laws of the rabbis. This would give us a purpose in life, no? 

Yes, Levi agrees. It would. Our continued presence on this planet would then have greater meaning and substance. None of the young men could ever replace our sons, but they could provide us with the reason to get up in the morning, take another breath, and live to face another day.

THE UNTOLD STORY: Entry Fifty-One

Entry Fifty-One:

I have an unexpected visitor. It is the king himself. Elizabeth ushers him into the room where I am seated. I make an attempt to stand but he urges me to remain seated. He is an impressive man…severe and stern…larger and more powerful than I had imagined…and yet, I see fear in his eyes. I ask him to sit and call for refreshments. For a while, neither of us speaks. The servants come and leave.

Herod clears his throat and begins to explain the purpose of his visit. He tells me of things I already know, thanks to Elizabeth. He grunts as he tells me that he now pays the Egyptian an exorbitant sum of money to lease land that he had initially bought for himself. He clears his throat once more. I say nothing. Is he expecting me to respond to something? He now tells me he has heard of my troubles…how my community has rejected me and hounded me for what my son has done. I cannot help but think that his presence in my home will not exactly help to ease the tension between me and the townsfolk. 

The king leans forward, as if he wishes to tell me a secret. He lowers his voice, but it is not a secret…it is a proposition. Would I care to tend his land? He will require the proceeds so that he may pay the fee he owes Cleopatra, but…he pauses and then adds…he knows the Jubilee law and is willing to abide by it. But the Jubilee year is imminent, I remind him. He nods and for a while he says nothing more. Again he leans forward as he tells me that he does not wish Rome to know about his dealings with the Egyptian. Ah, so that is the fear I see in those steely eyes. He is afraid that Octavian may triumph over Mark Antony…he is the king of Israel, but he is the king because he is able to strategize and thus lessen his risks by keeping all possibilities open. 

I watch him leave. Sovereign God, is this possible…?

A Cry From The Middle

Joan Baez’s grey mare stumbled

Mercifully they put her down

Teapot smashed against the counter

Shards assigned to garbage mounds

Nietzsche famously once stated

What doesn’t kill you makes you strong

This is trite and shallow thinking

Seeing only two extremes is wrong

The saying often is repeated

By the strong and not the weak

From the dead words can’t be spoken

Silent vigil’s all they keep

No! There is an in-between

Ghastly world and miserable

Those who neither die nor strengthen

Die and yet are living still.

THE UNTOLD STORY: Entry Fifty

Entry Fifty:

The Roman General and the Egyptian Queen leave suddenly, in a cloud of dust. Apparently, Octavian is using the revelation of Mark Antony’s will and the subsequent revoking of his position as Consul as a pretext for war. Herod, I am told, has managed to persuade the Queen to let him lease the land, something for which my community is thankful…thankful enough to leave me alone. The soldiers depart as well, and the town breathes freely once more. 

I tell Levi how much I appreciate his kindness towards me during this very trying time. He smiles as he asks me if there are others things for which I am appreciative. I tell him about Elizabeth and Benjamin’s friends. They have been mainstays of strength for me…Elizabeth from the very first day. I tell him how her presence at first irked me…I so wanted to be alone…invisible…but she persisted in shadowing me wherever I went. I later found out that for the first few nights, she had slept on the floor outside my door. For this devotion I am most grateful. The boys have helped me relive the happy days and have assisted in keeping a brighter image of my son alive. 

Levi tells me that he did not wish to see the light of day after that long night of horror. He wanted to curl up into a ball and die…or simply cease to exist. But he had to be strong for his wife and their younger children. He had to get up and face each day in spite of his desire to expire. So, he gained strength…day by day…moment by moment. The first time he felt any sense of thankfulness stunned him…he had not thought it possible to be grateful for anything ever again. But he was grateful he was not alone…he learned at that moment never to take any one person for granted…to cherish and treasure even the smallest deed of compassion. Yes, I can see this now…I cherish and treasure my newfound friends.

THE UNTOLD STORY: Entry Forty-Nine

Entry Forty-Nine:

Elizabeth tells me the Egyptian Queen has been seen wooing Herod when Mark Antony is not present. He, in turn lavishes expensive gifts on her, but does not succumb to her advances. His tendency has been to eliminate those whom he views as a threat, but his advisors have cautioned him to tolerate this Queen…that is, if he wishes to stay in Mark Antony’s good graces. He is all too anxious to escort her back to Egypt where she belongs.

Levi arrives and apologises for not coming yesterday. The situation in town was too tense, he says. I understand, I reply. He tells me that while the pain of the past has served to strengthen him, it has also taught him the wisdom of being cautious. Rushing into situations without carefully weighing the possible consequences often leads to more pain, he says. “And so,” he adds, “I believe I am more in control of my life than ever before. Pain has granted me a new awareness…a new perception…a new perspective. It has made me more sensitive and yet, at the same time, more resilient.” I look at him blankly.

“I know you do not see this at the moment…but the fact that you have managed this far tells me that you are much stronger than you think you are.” I am startled by this revelation. He is right. I have lived through the worst kind of pain and I am still living through it. Somehow the grief has not overcome…it has not won. It did win a few of the initial battles, I admit…but I am winning the war. Now, empowered by my new friend’s wisdom, I am able, for the first time since Benjamin’s abscondence, to see something positive about myself…even something positive about this throbbing misery…this mourning…this melancholy. The man sitting before me is a testimony of this…before this trial I would not have known him…I might never have known this precious person had I not been catapulted into my current nightmare. I am a better person now.