Entry Forty-Nine:
Elizabeth tells me the Egyptian Queen has been seen wooing Herod when Mark Antony is not present. He, in turn lavishes expensive gifts on her, but does not succumb to her advances. His tendency has been to eliminate those whom he views as a threat, but his advisors have cautioned him to tolerate this Queen…that is, if he wishes to stay in Mark Antony’s good graces. He is all too anxious to escort her back to Egypt where she belongs.
Levi arrives and apologises for not coming yesterday. The situation in town was too tense, he says. I understand, I reply. He tells me that while the pain of the past has served to strengthen him, it has also taught him the wisdom of being cautious. Rushing into situations without carefully weighing the possible consequences often leads to more pain, he says. “And so,” he adds, “I believe I am more in control of my life than ever before. Pain has granted me a new awareness…a new perception…a new perspective. It has made me more sensitive and yet, at the same time, more resilient.” I look at him blankly.
“I know you do not see this at the moment…but the fact that you have managed this far tells me that you are much stronger than you think you are.” I am startled by this revelation. He is right. I have lived through the worst kind of pain and I am still living through it. Somehow the grief has not overcome…it has not won. It did win a few of the initial battles, I admit…but I am winning the war. Now, empowered by my new friend’s wisdom, I am able, for the first time since Benjamin’s abscondence, to see something positive about myself…even something positive about this throbbing misery…this mourning…this melancholy. The man sitting before me is a testimony of this…before this trial I would not have known him…I might never have known this precious person had I not been catapulted into my current nightmare. I am a better person now.
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