Day Nine:
They woke me to tell me the Rabbi had come to see me. I rose and bathed…why do I feel guilty to admit that it felt good? How can being clean betray his memory?
I am weak. My breath comes in short gasps and smells foul. I drink a sip of water. Even the slightest movement takes effort. I try hard not to shuffle. A servant hovers at my elbow as I walk out to the courtyard. The sun hurts my eyes, blinding me for a moment. I prefer the darkness to the light as I feel I can hide there in the shadows.
The Rabbi sits talking with Aaron. He turns to me as I approach. Is that horror I see in his expression? He addresses me…calls me by name. His voice echoes in my head, as if we are standing in the Jordan valley. He takes my hand and leads me to where we can sit together. He is gentle. He talks. He talks about the weather. He talks about the synagogue. He talks about people in the marketplace. He talks about his family.
“Benjamin,” I say. “Benjamin…say his name.” His face pales and then turns a deep crimson. He seems distressed. He is looking at the ground, tapping my hand with his tense fingers. He mumbles a prayer. He rocks back and forth. He shakes his head. “We do not speak his name,”: he says. I am stunned. Did he hit me between my eyes? Is it blood I taste in my mouth?
I hear a sound…a roar. I am standing beside the Rabbi. I am shouting. Aaron comes between us. I am shouting, “Get out! Get out! Get off my land!”
Aaron has not spoken to me since then…I am alone in my room. I am alone.
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