Day Twelve:
My dreams are becoming misty…I have to search to find Benjamin now. But I search and search until I find him…I am afraid I may lose him altogether. Strange…although I cannot always see his face, I can still hear his voice clearly. And his laughter.
I am sleeping more than I ever have in my life. It is a luxury I can afford. There is no reason for me to enter into wakefulness. I am alone in my aloneness. How can anyone enter into my world? I cannot expect them to…neither do I want them to trespass on my sorrow. Besides, why would they want to? Dreams are illusionary…imaginary…the happiness they bring is transitory and all too brief. The mere opening of an eye brings my world to an abrupt stop. It is not a world I would choose to live in for any length of time.
And yet the real world is not a world I want to be in either at present…I don’t want to be in a place where I cannot touch the face of my beloved child…where I cannot speak his name and hear his reply. No, I do not want to be in the real world. But what is real? What is real in my life right now? There is a very fine line between fantasy and reality. Must I cross it? Why must I cross it if it only brings me pain?
Benjamin’s absence is a presence…more of a presence now in his absence than he was in his presence…wherever I go, whether in sleep or in wakefulness…he is not there and yet his not being there is there. Am I going mad? My thoughts continue even when I wish them to stop. I am consumed by Benjamin. It is as if nothing else is important anymore…I am like a man possessed.
And so I sleep…
No comments:
Post a Comment