Day Seventeen: Psalm 130
I had forgotten what it feels like to smile. It was such a strange and unfamiliar sensation, but not an unwelcome one…a timely reminder that there are some things in life that could and should still elicit a joyful response…some things for which one could be thankful even when the soul was a swirling cesspool of bitterness and a place of shadows.
Elizabeth’s kindness is like a shaft of sunlight that reaches down in the darkness of the pit I am inhabiting at present. Her unconditional love reminds me of every good thing I have believed about the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Is He reaching down into my depths with His love through her? Or is His love perhaps deeper than my sorrow? Is His love below me…ready to go deeper still?
I have not attended Synagogue services…I cannot. How can I sit with those who love the harshness of the law more than the compassion of grace? Which one of us can stand before a holy God? If He kept a record of our sins, we would all be lost. No, I will not believe that God has rejected my Benjamin…He waits with me. After all, He is the Father of us all.
But what if I am wrong? What if the God we serve is the God of Aaron, the rabbi, and the elders? A God Who is vengeful and wrathful? A cruel or worse…an indifferent dictator who whisks away our joys as quickly as He gives them? Or perhaps He is not at all concerned with the things we hold dear?
No, that cannot be. I must stop this line of thought. It will be the end of me. It will leave me with nothing to hold onto. As it is, I cling to the cliffside with my fingertips.
Out of the depths of my innermost being, I cry out to Him…and I wait for Him…or perhaps I wait with Him. He is my only hope…there is no one else.
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