Entry Forty-One: Psalm 34
Miriam stands before me, smiling a tender smile. “No,” she says. “No, my dearest husband…you are not Eli.” “Then what am I? Who am I? Help me find myself again,” I plead. “You are a father and you are a mother,” she says softly. “You love as a father loves, but you also love as a mother loves. Deeply, unconditionally…without limits…without boundaries. You are not Eli. You are willing to sacrifice yourself for your child…that is not Eli…that is God.”
I awake. I am calm and filled with a sense of peace. “Thank you,” I whisper. Dear God, when you made man and woman…did you divide your love between them, so that only when the love of both father and mother are combined, are we able to see Your love? Yes, I think that is so. You reveal Your love in the holy Scriptures as that of both male and female. You comfort as a mother comforts her babes. Indeed, You who gave birth to us are the same one who calms and soothes us like a mother quietens her suckling child. But my most beloved Scripture of all is that of the prophet Isaiah…where You say clearly that even if a mother would forget her child, You will never forget us.
Miriam is right! Or, at least, my dream of her was right. Is it not the nature of God to love as a mother? As such, it is not bad parenting…it is an unfathomable, unqualifiable, unreserved love that makes Him wait patiently for us to return to Him. He watches…He hopes…He anticipates our homecoming. I am not Eli. I am not a bad father. I am a father and a mother. I am a reflection of God. And so, I too must wait. I must wait, in spite of the relentless pressure to forsake my Benjamin. Dear God in heaven, reward me for my steadfastness…requite my love…fulfil my yearning…answer my prayers. Bottle up my tears. Be my comfort in this time of comfortlessness. Be close to me. Share my broken heart.
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