Chapter Four: Fear and Fantasy
Entry Forty-Two: Isaiah 30:18
I talk to Benjamin in my mind. I laugh. I cry. I shout. I rage. He never replies. But then, at night, he comes to me in my dreams…there he stands and responds to everything I said to him. Now it is my turn to be silent. I wonder what life would be like if we all communicated this way. Talk. Listen. Wait. Respond. Listen. So much misunderstanding could be avoided if we could just listen. Really listen…
I spend most of my days watching the road now. Is that not what God does with us when we stray? Does He not wait for the rebellious all day long…is that not what He says through the mouth of the prophet? I have not been down to the river for two days…it is too hot anyway…but I am afraid that if I leave my vigil, Benjamin may return when I am not attentive…and I want to be the first to greet him. If I am not the first, he will surely be driven away.
I think of the governor, Nehemiah. In spite of adversity, he never gave up. They tempted, they threatened, they feigned friendship, they accused…but he remained steadfast. I am encouraged to emulate his bravery and his resolve. If he wavered, those who were yet to return may have continued in exile. He pressed on…resilient…and he was satisfied in the end. I too will stand firm and wait…I will wait to prevent a further calamity.
But what if they find him on the road further afield? What if our family in Galilee see him before he even takes the road down to Jericho? Will they be like Tobiah and Sanballat? They will surely not want him to reach me…they will not want me to rebuild my family. How can I stop them when they are so far away? Am I becoming paranoid? I have no proof that they would do such a thing…and yet, I am preoccupied with this fear. My sleep is fitful.
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