Entry Thirty-eight:
“You are Eli!” Like others Aaron believes I am a bad parent. I pretend I do not understand. “Eli? How am I Eli?” I look at Aaron’s face. Hatred has hardened his eyes…the lines on his face are severe. Hatred has a way of removing all beauty…from a face…a body…a life. “He refused to discipline his sons!” Aaron is shouting now. “And look what happened! Israel lost the Ark to the Philistines, just as we have lost our land to the Roman.” He glares at me, nostrils flared. “But you too are my son, Aaron,” I reply. “By that token you too ought to be rotten.” At first, he says nothing. But then he digs the knife in deeper. “Mother was still alive when my character was formed.” I am overcome and cannot help but weep. For a moment, it seems as if he cares…as if he wishes to reach out and console me in my agony. But then he turns and leaves the room.
Am I Eli? I meditate on this question endlessly. Am I to blame for the calamity that has befallen my household? The Ark was lost, true, but it was recovered later. Dear God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, grant that the land now lost may be recovered too. You are skilled at turning bad things around…just look at what You did with Joseph. He once was lost too…presumed dead by his grieving father…but they were reunited…in the land of Egypt, no less. All those years, Jacob believed his son to be dead. All those years, he grieved for him. He did not have hope as I have hope. My Benjamin is still alive. I know it. If he were not, would I not feel it in my bones? Did Jacob feel that Joseph was alive? But he was shown proof that Joseph was dead. Did his mind overcome his heart? He had no reason to believe his son was alive. But do I have reason to believe Benjamin is alive? No word has come from him since the day he left.
Am I Eli? Do I stand condemned before You, my holy God? Do I love Benjamin more than You? More than what is right? Have I failed You…and him?
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