PART TWO: Deliberation
Chapter Three: Questions
Entry Twenty-Eight: Genesis 37:35
I watch the road, but Benjamin’s friends do not come. They are no longer children, free to go as they please…they are working men now…bound to the same drudgery of subsistence since the rebellion of Adam.
In my mind’s eye, I begin to imagine Benjamin walking towards me on that road. I can see him as clear as day. My heart begins to beat faster…I jump up and raise my hand in greeting…but the image vanishes like a mirage in the desert. I sit down heavily, feeling more foolish than disappointed. The longing in my heart is so intense that it deceives my muddled mind.
Am I to be eternally separated from my son? Dear God, is this the path I must walk now…must You bring my head down to Sheol in grief? May I ask You questions…questions for which You may have no answers? Have I loved my Benjamin more than I have loved You? Have I broken Your commandment? Have I made an idol of my child? Is that why You have taken him away? Did You take him away?
Do You reign over us as a benevolent dictator? Or are You jealous, cruel, and vindicative. Vengeance is mine, says the Lord. Have You exacted Your anger by removing him? Or are You perhaps merciless, callous, and sadistic? Do You take pleasure in hurting us? When You look upon my despairing defencelessness, are You entertained? Am I a plaything in Your hand? Will You squeeze me until I break? Will Your appetite for retribution then be satiated?
What is my sin? How have I offended You? Have I loved too greedily? Will You not answer me? I sit in silence and wait…but all I hear is the wind.
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