Day Nineteen: Job 1:21
Am I losing perspective? I was once told by a wise woman, that I ought not to invest my happiness in something I could lose. But how is it possible for a parent…any parent…not to invest in their children? To invest in your children is to invest in yourself.
I bathed in the river today…in the pool where Benjamin used to bathe. Elizabeth seemed to believe I could move around without her watchful presence. I stripped, laid my clothes on the grassy bank, and walked into the water. For a moment I simply stood with my eyes closed, trying to recall the sounds of the past. I could hear the river rushing by…the snows of Hermon must be melting…the level of the water is higher than it was. As I stood there, stripped of all but my skin, I heard a voice quoting words from the suffering sage: “Naked I came into this world, naked I shall depart. The Lord has given, the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” I opened my eyes to see who spoke, but there was no one. The experience was disconcerting and yet strangely comforting. A reminder that I am not alone in my suffering. Others have gone before me…others will come behind me…from the garden of Eden to the consummation of all things, suffering will bind us together in misery.
The Jordan River has never ceased to flow…from the heights of Hermon to the depths of the Salt Sea…it rises, and falls…it roars, and it murmurs. Like the river, life continues regardless.
I immersed myself in the water…I immersed myself in the water as I am immersed in sorrow…but the water would not allow me to stay under. My buoyancy brought to mind something I learned in Hebrew school. “The eternal God is your resting place…underneath you, are his everlasting arms.”[i] He is present, but silent…imperceptible. Delayed hope. I will have to continue without hope…hoping in spite of hopelessness.
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