Entry Forty:
Am I Eli? Why does this bother me so much? If I am at fault…if I am the one to blame…then would I not know? Is it because I am too proud to admit the truth? I have been humbled more than any other time in my life…is there any pride left in me…hiding deep down inside?
I sit by Benjamin’s pool and talk to him out loud. It helps to verbalise my thoughts. I ask him. Am I Eli? He does not answer. Of course he does not answer…he is not there. His absence overwhelms me once more and I weep unashamedly. Who will hear my sobbing? Being alone allows me to give my emotion free reign…I let it run amuck…it wracks my body in the process. I ache all over…my throat burns, and my lungs beg for more air. I lie in the dirt and I let my sorrow sweep over me like a storm.
It is not only the absence of my son that brings on such deep distress. It is Aaron…the rabbi…my community…my friends…my family…Miriam’s family. They have all turned aside. Each one has gone on with their lives and they have spurned me. If it were not for Elizabeth and for Benjamin’s friends I would be completely isolated in my grief. I feel so alone. Lost.
It costs nothing to be kind. One can be kind even if you do not agree. Does it not take more energy to be harsh, I wonder? When you live each precious minute, controlled by the misdeeds of others…is that not exhausting? Just because you are angry, it does not follow that you must be cruel. It is at times such as this, that the truth emerges…I have no friends...I never had any friends. I had many acquaintances…people that I thought were friends…but friends stay true to each other, especially in times of need.
Oh, Miriam, how I miss you…how I need you, now more than ever. But why would I want you here to bear this pain with me? That would make me cruel and unkind.
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