Entry Thirty-Three: Hebrews 2:14-18
Pain has certainly caused me to delve into the deepest, darkest depths of my being. When my Miriam, may her soul rest in peace, was taken from me, I was too involved in caring for my sons to spend any time thinking about myself. Survival forced me to suppress any emotion I may have had until now. Now, it is as if all my emotions from years ago engulf me and drag me under like a gigantic surge of water…like a flash flood…one moment I think I am on solid ground and the next I am swept off my feet by an anguish that takes my breath away. And there is no warning. It has happened to me at home, at the river, in the marketplace…that was the worst…to have my raw, wounded heart exposed before those who scorned me and who hated the one for whom I was mourning.
Pain. It is not a physical pain…yet why does it make me double over as if I have been hit in the abdomen by a giant? Or torn open by a raging wild animal? I have, at times, felt like I was trapped in the midst of a pack of ferocious wolves, each snarl an accusation against me as a failure, and every snatching bite a tearing away of an invisible part of my innermost being. Am I a failure? Is that what I am? I examine my life. What has become of me? My confidence lies in tatters…my dreams shattered…my hopes cruelly crushed.
Oh, Benjamin, Benjamin. What have you done to me? You have taken away the thrill of being alive. Are you what they say you are? Are you irreparably evil? They say you sold your soul to the devil. Did you? Where is the accuser of our brethren that I may lay myself on his altar…repay your debt with my own life? I would gladly substitute myself…your life for my life. But it is not Satan who must be propitiated…it is the God who made you…the God to whom you ultimately belong. He must be assuaged…let me stand before Him, so that you may return.
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