Entry Twenty-Nine: Psalm 25:7
Have I been singled out for a life of misery? Was it a sin from my youth? I cannot think of one that was not confessed…that was not brought before the priest on the Day of Atonement…that was not laid on the head of the scapegoat…that was not cleansed, after the deaths of my parents and my beloved Miriam, with the ashes of the red heifer? What is it that He has refused to blot out?
O God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, show me Your record of my iniquities…show me your books, that I might know how to redress my offences. Did I grieve my parents that my abominable behaviour has been visited back upon me? May I stand before You with my questions? I am not accusing…or am I?
Or am I asking all the wrong questions? Should I not be pointing a finger at myself rather than at the Almighty? Was I a careless parent? What did the wise author of the proverbs say? The parents who neglect to discipline their children do not care for them properly. If they loved them, they would discipline them.[i] Am I like one of those bad shepherds exposed by the prophet Ezekiel?[ii] Did I not care for my lamb that he is now lost? Was I too preoccupied with my life or with the estate? Did I disregard his real needs?
Am I the cause for his absconding? Did I offend him? Hurt him? If I did, I cannot recall the affront. Will You not speak to me? Idols have no ears…they do not hear. Do you hear me? They have no eyes…they do not see. Do you see me? They have no mouth…they do not speak. But You who made the mouth, do You have no words to address my anguish? You spoke to Job out of the whirlwind…you spoke to Elijah in the silence. Will You not look upon my pain and pity me?
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