Entry Fifty-Six:
I am exhausted from carrying the weight of memory inside me…I have lived in the past too long…I have lived in a dream world too long. The seasons are changing. Summer is gracefully giving way to the cooler breezes of Autumn, and it is high time for me to move on as well…on to a different season. Weeks ago I thought that I would never again experience the bliss of pure joy…it was not only grief that swallowed me alive, but guilt…guilt that was mostly unfounded, but fed by the words and deeds of others, especially that of my older son, Aaron.
But since I began to focus on others and their needs…my newfound friends, but especially Levi…a living, breathing, tangible, precious person who can benefit from my positive intervention and aid…I have begun to experience joy once more. We are visiting the pool by the river again…our whole new family…and we are laughing and having fun once more. The first time I felt happy again, the guilt was quick to follow. My son may be dead…he may be languishing in some foreign prison…he may have been robbed and is lying somewhere, injured…he may be hungry. And I was having fun? It felt wrong…callous…unloving. But Levi, in his wisdom…wisdom gained mostly by his own experience with grief and suffering…told me that as I was able to be kind to him as well as others, I needed to be kind to myself. I needed to intentionally and defiantly break out of the prison of sorrow and despair.
Since then, I have been working hard at rediscovering the sheer delight and enjoyment of life. No, I have not forced Benjamin out of my mind…out of my heart. To the contrary. Benjamin is at the very centre of my joy. I am learning to celebrate the fact that he is my son…love is not annulled by the bad choices made by others…he is and always will be my flesh and blood…a blessed consequence of the union of two people who truly loved each other. The son of my love…
No comments:
Post a Comment