Entry Sixty-Three:
It seems my routine practise of watching the road to see if Benjamin is returning is rubbing off on my friends. They appear to be copying my behaviour…they too are filled with hope. The yearning has always been there, but, I think, it has been a disconnected yearning…a yearning based on despair, rather than confident faith.
A few months have passed since I last wrote. For some or other reason, I don’t always feel the need to write down my thoughts anymore. At first, journaling really helped me navigate my way through the whirlwind around me…but now, I am so focussed on others that I don’t have the energy to still think through my thoughts at night. That and the fact that I am truly happy once more. I am fulfilled in what I do. My “new” life seems so much better than my “first”…so much deeper and purpose driven and purpose filled. Meaningful…that’s the word. My previous life was so narrow…I didn’t see the need to reach out to those around me who needed me. I was quite happy in my small world.
But my life has been enriched by the experiences of others…to see things from their perspective is refreshing and invigorating. I feel like I am learning something new every day. Learning to live again…a new way of life with new goals and new values and new priorities.
It has been a year since Benjamin left. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss him…that I don’t ache for him. I love him. I cannot do otherwise. My eyes are forever scanning the horizon…along with the eyes of my friends…perhaps today, dear Lord? He left in Springtime…it is fitting that he would return when new life is bursting forth all around me. I watch…I wait…I work to help myself through helping others. A better life…a deeper life…a life that means something to others. That, Benjamin, you have given me.
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